Talking Pictures
by jedijae
Summary: Based on Anna Week Tumblr prompt "Talking to the Pictures on the Wall." Anna gets her hands on a videocamera just in time for the Arendelle Trade Summit. Silliness, crudeness, and likely OOC-ness abound. Snow Sisters, Ice Bros, Frohana, bits of Kristanna. Rated T for innuendo, suggestiveness, and Anna's potty mouth.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen_

* * *

Darkness.

"Are you sure about this?" Kristoff's voice.

"It will be fun!" Anna's voice says.

A giant blue-green eyeball fills the screen.

"Is this thing on?" Anna's voice again.

"I think you're looking through the wrong end," Kristoff replies.

Camera goes black.

* * *

Interior. Night. Northern Lights illuminate the room.

Zoom in on Elsa, asleep in her bed.

"The sky's awake. No sleeping." Anna's voice, quietly.

Camera moves closer, quickly. Anna's knees land on the bed astride Elsa.

"OOMPH!" Elsa's face fills the screen, eyes half open. "What the f-"

"DO YOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAN?"

"ANNA!"

Elsa sits up and her hands fly out. View of her bed's canopy and then Anna's legs and then the ceiling. A loud THUMP and "OOF!" as Anna hits the floor.

Camera moves back over the edge of the bed.

"Anna NO." Elsa flops back down and pulls the covers over her head. Anna's hand comes into the frame and yanks the covers back.

"Come on, Elsa, do the magic!"

A muffled groan from Elsa. Her hand flies out. Snow and ice shoot from it. The picture goes white. Anna yelps.

"Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!"

* * *

Picture focuses on Elsa at the dinner table. She looks up and directly into the camera. "Is that thing on?"

Camera moves slowly side-to-side.

"Then what is that red blinking light?"

Camera moves up then down.

"Anna, what did I say about that thing at the table?"

Anna's voice from behind the camera. "Nothing."

"I'm certain I had something to say on the matter."

"You did. I asked what I could film, and you said 'nothing.' Pass the salt, please."

Elsa glares and extends the salt toward the camera. Anna's hand comes into the frame and takes it. Movement off-camera. A crunching sound directly into the microphone.

"What are these again?" Kristoff stares suspiciously at his plate.

"Bwuffels sfwouts," Anna says.

"What are Brussels sprouts?" Kristoff spears one with his fork and puts it in his mouth.

"They're little people from Belgium," Elsa says, deadpan.

Kristoff spits his food across the table. The picture shakes and we hear Anna laughing.

Elsa waves her hand. Anna shrieks. View spins wildly. The chandelier, the wall, the table and the floor fly by. View of the chair legs and Kristoff's feet as the camera lands on the floor.

"Shit! No fair, Elsa, you can't put ice _there_!"

Sound of Elsa and Kristoff laughing. Anna squeals and curses.

Fade.

* * *

Big blurry blob of many colors. Slowly the picture focuses to reveal the Great Hall. It is full of people in formal clothes. Music plays in the background. People are dancing and talking.

"Here we are at the Welcome Ball for the Arendelle Trade Conference," Anna's voice says.

"Boring." Kristoff's voice.

The camera moves to show Kristoff from the side. He is dressed in a black tuxedo with a purple vest and tie with a crocus on it. He fidgets and tugs at his collar.

"Stop that." Anna's hand comes into view and smacks his.

"My feet hurt and I can't breathe."

"Complain to Elsa."

"I want to survive the evening."

Picture pans up and down Kristoff, then focuses on his face.

"Are your pants too tight?"

Movement off-camera. Kristoff's eyes bug out. "They are now!"

Anna giggles.

Sudden spinning view of the Great Hall. Sound of a door opening and closing. View is shadowy in the dim lighting.

"Krist – ummph!"

Blurry blond blob focuses into extreme close-up of Kristoff's hair. Sound of rustling skirts. A belt buckle clinks.

Brief static as camera hits the floor. View of Kristoff's legs. His pants are around his knees. Anna's foot bounces in and out of the frame. Panting and moaning, rhythmic thumping sounds. Muffled cry from Anna.

Fade.

* * *

A big green eyeball fills the screen. "Is this thing on?"

"You're looking through the wrong end." Anna's voice.

The camera pulls back until we see Hans' head and chest. He is wearing a tuxedo and sipping champagne.

"Here we have Prince Hans, Turd Master and Deliverer," Anna says.

"That's not a thing." Hans scowls.

"Dude, I heard that's totally a thing in the Southern Isles," Kristoff says.

"He's just mad because he got bitch-slapped by Elsa's snowball."

"God, you try to kill somebody _one time_ …"

* * *

Interior of a castle guest room. Anna's and Hans' faces crowd into the frame.

"I hope this works," Anna says.

Hans shrugs. "If it doesn't, you don't lose anything. If it does, Elsa can give him a good reason not to be such a weasel about the tariffs. And he'll probably give you a ten thousand kroners to keep it offline."

"How do you know these things?"

"Oh please, it's _me_."

"I just hope he doesn't spot the camera."

"Hurry up, the guards are making their rounds," Kristoff says from behind them.

They leave. Fast forward through footage of the empty room. The door opens and the Duke of Weselton comes in. He takes off his suit jacket and throws it on the bed. He starts singing under his breath as he loosens off his tie. He puts the tie around his head like a headband.

"I'm too sexy for my love!" he sings. "Too sexy for my love!"

He starts unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!"

He whips his shirt off and swings it around, then tosses it in the hamper.

"I'm a model, you know what I mean." He leans over and unties his shoes. "And I do my little turn on the catwalk." He kicks one leg, sending his shoe flying, then whirls around and kicks off the other one.

"Yeah, on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah." He pulls off his trousers. "I shake my little tush on the catwalk."

He shimmies his hips as he throws the pants across a chair. He jumps around the room in his boxers and wife-beater, waving his arms wildly. He pulls off his toupee and slings it away.

"I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, no way I'm disco - "

The scene goes dark. The camera's battery is dead.

* * *

Exterior, day. Elsa and Anna are lying on lounge chairs on a sunny balcony. Anna is wearing a tiny green bikini and reading the _Arendelle Enquirer_. Elsa is wearing a blue bikini and reading a thick summary from the Trade Conference.

We hear Hans' voice from behind the camera. "Here we have Queen Elsa of Arendelle and her sister, Princess Anna of Arendelle."

Anna looks up from her tabloid and waves. "Nice Speedo."

"Thanks."

Elsa glances toward the camera. "Is that thing on?"

"Today we are seeing the Snow Sisters in their natural habitat," Hans intones.

Anna giggles. Elsa glares and goes back to her papers.

"What news from the Trade Conference, Your Majesty?" Hans asks.

Elsa ignores him. Anna waves her tabloid. "Here's some news for you!"

Zoom in on the headline: OLAF: I'M PREGNANT WITH SVEN'S LOVE CHILD

"Imagine the logistics," Hans says.

"I'd rather not," Elsa says.

"Marshmallow will be heartbroken," Hans says.

"There's more! I'm embezzling money from the Royal Treasury to support my chocolate habit," Anna reads. "Elsa is having an affair with Kristoff – "

"I'm doing _what_?"

"You're having an affair with my boyfriend."

"I am? I thought I was having an affair with you."

"That was _last_ week."

"Oh, right. Before that, it was my intern, wasn't it? The one who kept whining that nobody believed in him?"

"Yep. Ooh, and that hot grad student from San Fransokyo. The one with the robot?"

"Don't forget our torrid affair!" Hans says.

Elsa scoffs. "Yes, well, if this keeps up, I'll collapse from exhaustion and have to be hospitalized."

"That will be _next_ week's headline," Anna says. "'Queen checks into rehab for sex addiction.'" Elsa snorts and goes back to her trade summary.

"So, Anna," Hans says in his best "sympathetic journalist" voice, "how do feel about your sister having an affair with your boyfriend?"

"I'm devastated, Hans," Anna says dramatically, clutching her chest. "They both told me that I was their One True Love. I'm devastated that they would sneak around behind my back under my nose."

"That's anatomically impossible," Elsa says without looking up.

"I'm devastated that they probably made a sex tape and didn't let me watch it. I'm especially devastated that they didn't invite me for a three-way."

"You need to go back to see the trolls," Elsa says. "I don't think Grandpabbie fixed your head the first time."

"I'm totally distraught over the whole thing! Maybe I'll take the money I embezzled from the Treasury and drink myself into a stupor."

"And that would be different for you how?" Elsa deadpans.

Movement off-camera. Kristoff comes into view. He is wearing board shorts and a tank top, and carrying a cardboard drink holder with four cups in it.

"Kai let the Margarita Man cart into the courtyard," he says.

Elsa takes the cup he offers her. "Thank you, baby," she says.

Kristoff looks surprised. "What did you call me?"

"You're having an affair with Elsa," Anna informs him, holding up her tabloid. "The _Arendelle Enquirer_ says so."

"Really?" Kristoff hands Anna a drink and then extends one toward the camera. A hand comes into view and takes it. "I didn't know that."

"Somebody has to tell you," Elsa says. She leers at Kristoff. "So, how… _pungent_ are you, Reindeer King?"

Kristoff turns red. Anna and Hans guffaw while Elsa smiles sweetly.

"Wow, there's all kinds of news this week," Anna says, turning the page. "Did you guys know that Hans wears ladies' underwear?"

"I DO NOT!"

"Do too. It says so right here."

Kristoff leans over Anna's shoulder. "Dude, you've been kicked out of Victoria's Secret three times?"

"Now I _do_ believe that," Elsa says.

Camera goes black.

* * *

Interior. Elsa's office. We see Elsa from the waist down, her ice dress flaring around her legs as she paces. There is a shadow on one side of the picture, as if someone is concealing the camera in their clothes.

" – tell people that I _make babies_ by sneezing! Do you know how many times I was propositioned?! That creepy count from Portmondia chased me around the Great Hall with a pepper grinder! And stop talking about my boobs in front of Olaf! I cannot believe you - "

Elsa's voice is drowned out by Anna's, quiet but close to the mic. "Here's Queen Elsa of Arendelle. She doesn't know it, but she's on Candid Camera."

" – and let him announce it at the banquet! He never should have been -"

"Blah, blah, blah, let it go," Anna mutters into the mic.

"Also, you can't keep telling the staff that Hans is too gay to function."

"Even if he is," Anna says under her breath.

" – even if he is. And another thing – when the _Arendelle Enquirer_ calls to ask about the Queen being a sex addict, you don't say 'We never speak about that.' Don't say anything! Hang up or, or - "

Ice forms under Elsa's feet with each step.

"This sucks," Anna grumbles into the mic. "The Snow Queen has worked herself into a Royal snit, and now I'm in deep shit."

"Do you have something to say?" Elsa stops pacing. She steps closer to the camera. The view fills with ice dress, then Elsa's cleavage, and then her angry face. "IS THIS THING ON?"

Anna gulps audibly. The picture goes white.

* * *

Interior. Focus on a huge man standing behind the counter of a fast-food joint. He has muttonchop whiskers and is wearing an ugly brown shirt and woolen hat. His name tag says 'Oaken.'

"Hoo hoo! Welcome to Oaken's! May I take your order?"

"Why are we here again?" Elsa asks.

"Because I'm hungry," Anna says from behind the camera.

"I don't know what I want," Kristoff says.

"How can you not know what you want?" Anna says. "You come here all the time."

The camera moves closer to Oaken. "I want an Oakenburger with cheese, pickles, onions and tomatoes. And waffle fries," Anna orders.

"How about a special sauce of my own invention?" Oaken asks.

"Sure, yeah, give me the special sauce," Anna says.

"I'll give you some special sauce," Kristoff snickers.

Anna giggles and steps back from the counter. "Just order something."

"I know what I want," Hans announces.

"Extra special sauce?" Elsa asks innocently. Anna and Kristoff guffaw.

"NO!" Hans glares at her. "I want an Asiago Chicken Wrap with Avocado Lime Ranch dressing."

Oaken stares at him like he's crazy. "That's no good."

"Um, you know this a burger place, right?" Kristoff asks.

" _Fine_. I'll have the double Oakenburger with cheese and extra…mayo."

Elsa steps up to the counter and stares at the menu. "I don't know about this. Everything here looks questionable."

"JUST ORDER SOMETHING!" Anna yells. "My treat."

"Oooh, big spender," Hans says.

"I can afford it, I'm embezzling money from the Treasury."

"That's right, you are!" Elsa puts her arm around Kristoff. "We're having an affair, you know," she says to Oaken. Kristoff smiles serenely.

"I thought you were having an affair with her." Oaken points at the camera.

"That was last week."

"That's nice, dear. When do you start rehab?"

"Next week."

"I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" Hans announces.

Oaken scribbles on a piece of paper and tucks it into Hans' shirt pocket. "You call me, yah?" He holds his hand up to his ear like a phone and smiles.

Hans looks horrified. Anna, Kristoff, and Elsa howl with laughter.

Static.

* * *

Interior. Duke of Weselton's room. A hand moves across the picture and adjusts the camera. Anna's face appears in the frame.

"You really think he'll pay you?" Kristoff's voice, quiet.

"Oh, at least ten thousand kroners. Maybe more."

"Hurry up, I think he's done in there."

They leave. Bathroom door opens. Sound of Hans singing. He slides into view in his sock feet, robe held wide open. He is wearing a black lacy bra and matching G-string.

"I came in like a wrecking ball…"

Blue screen. Camera is out of memory.

* * *

Elsa and Anna sit on the couch in Elsa's study, ready to watch the broadcast of Elsa's closing speech to the Trade Summit. She had given the speech before all the delegates earlier, and now the recording would be broadcast to all the participating countries via Arendelle News Network.

"You did send them the recording, right?" Elsa asks, sipping her wine.

"Yes, for the hundredth time, I sent them the recording," Anna says. She turns on the TV just in time to hear the news anchor announce the speech. And then…

 _Darkness._

" _Are you sure about this?" Kristoff's voice._

" _It will be fun!" Anna's voice says._

 _A giant blue-green eyeball fills the screen._

" _Is this thing on?" Anna's voice again._

" _I think you're looking through the wrong end," Kristoff replies._

"What the - " Elsa turns to glare at Anna. Ice spreads along the couch and floor.

"Oh, _fuck_." Anna jumps up when she sees her sister's murderous expression. "Um, Elsa, maybe a little 'conceal don't feel?' No? Shit!" She leaves the study at a dead run, dodging ice blasts.

"ANNA, YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN FREEZE YOU PROPERLY!"


End file.
